Rules of Engagement in Marriage

Truth for Life Radio Program

Pastor Alistair Begg

July 2022 Broadcast

Everyone expects wedded bliss when they get married and can become disillusioned when challenges arise through the years.  How we handle the challenges can be the difference between happiness and misery.

Details matter.  This list of Do’s and Don’ts apply to both husbands and wives, even though some may sound like they are for a specific gender.  These “rules of engagement” are intended to improve or enhance any marriage and push it toward everlasting happiness.

Believe that your marriage can possibly fail.  Don’t be naïve in thinking that you and your spouse will always be happy.  Neither of you are immune; anyone can fall (1 Corinthians 10:11 warns of this).  Live with a sense of realism as to the state of your marriage.

Effort is needed for a successful marriage.  So many marriages are in need of help because people seem to stop working at it.  Don’t be lazy about the necessary work (Proverbs 24:31 talks about how laziness can affect us all and the message points us toward correction when laziness occurs).  Marriage is hard work! Hebrews 6:12 encourages us to be consistent in our efforts to work at our marriages.

Neglect results from inattention to detail.  Marriage can be an endless existence of craziness (work, kids, schedules, etc.).  Don’t let your quest for pleasure and possessions cause neglect of Jesus, your spouse, or your children.  Real marital success needs attention to the details of the needs of your spouse and children, as well as spiritual needs.

Don’t take each other for granted.  Men are directed to be considerate of their wives in 1 Peter 3:7.  It’s sad when men start noticing other women they think are attractive at work and then start comparing them to their wives.  A man should be thankful and grateful if his wife chooses to give up her career to raise the children.  Stay-at-home spouses should never be ridiculed or disrespected.

Don’t dig up old failures or past disagreements.  Move past it (Philippians 3:14) and understand that if God has forgiven you (Psalm 103:3), then spouses should be forgiving of each other’s past failures and disagreements.  Keep in mind that Satan loves to keep couples down.  Know that the word of God enables you to forge ahead in this area.

Drink from your own well!  As mentioned above, no comparisons are allowed (i.e. appreciate the looks, abilities, etc. of your spouse).  A call to marital purity is given to us in Proverbs 5:15 (“rejoice in the wife of your youth”).  Being faithful is a decision and commitment.  Don’t allow other images to infiltrate your marriage and don’t expect to live out this principle if there is imported garbage/baggage in the relationship.  You are in control of your thoughts so don’t allow your mind to be messed up in this area.

Don’t take someone of the opposite sex into the exclusive domain of your spouse.  Respect your wife and kids.  Don’t inflate your ego and risk the disintegration of your marriage and family by spending one-on-one time with a person of the opposite sex, no matter the location (your home, at work, or out in public). 

Don’t take neglectful freedoms when you are apart from your spouse.  Some freedoms breed neglect.  A simple strategy for keeping freedoms “in check”:  set up specific times for calling each other to touch base, rather than saying “I’ll call you if or when I have time.”  Being outside of a cellular service area will be an extra challenge, but find a way to make that call.

Pray daily for the health of your marriage and harmony in your home.  This is a simple task and can be integrated into your daily routine.  Make time for it.  Young people can pray for their parents and for their own relationships to fully understand God’s design for marriage.

Be sacrificial in your love for each other.  It’s a give-and-take strategy and everyone relishes this aspect of marriage.  Doesn’t it mean more to you when your spouse goes out of his or her way for you in an effort to demonstrate their love and commitment to the marriage?

Be creative, daring, imaginative, and extravagant in displaying your affections to your spouse.  Move away from boring and “business as usual.”  Give it your best at home because you know you would be giving it your best in a new relationship!

Kids are not to be used as a wedge that separates or keeps you.  The kids will eventually leave home and then what will you be left with in the marriage?  Parents need “couples time.”  Cultivate time with and without the kids.

Be ruthless in resisting other potential partners.  Enough said.

Be ready to speak and listen to your spouse.  When you were dating, you discussed your fears, hopes, dreams, and even things that were bugging you.  This should continue into the marriage.  When was the last time you asked your spouse to share their thoughts with you?  Talk about emotional things along with your regular discussions.

Believe that a great marriage is possible with both divine and human effort.  It takes work and God can help you.  Ask Him to help you by praying for your marriage.

Be aware of how fast time is passing and seize the day!  Yesterday is gone, today is NOW, and tomorrow is not promised.  Act now to avoid marital failure and to recoup some of the feelings that brought you into the marriage.

In his book “Lasting Love: How to Avoid Marital Failure”, Pastor Alistair Begg helps us look at both singleness and marriage, and gives helpful advice for long-term endurance for married couples. For more information, visit truthforlife.org.